Initiation

It seems like every new beginning must start with a rite of passage, an initiation.  Mine is the fact that in reality I'm not "new to this" - infact I'm old to this.  This is not my first blog, this is not the first time I've had the idea for this blog.  I've finished high school, college, and post graduate work.  I'm also not a new comer to this disorder.  It has plagued me for as long as my memories go back.  I may not have seen the signs and symptoms for what they really were back then - maybe childhood indiscretion or an overzealousness for doing things right...the first time.

And I hate making promises that I'm not necessarily able to keep, especially ones that are so finite.  But at this stage, it is my intention to make this my last fight with the disorder that takes over my brain on a daily basis.

I'm an Obsessive Compulsive.

Sadly I just had the internal debate about if I should say I have OCD or if I should say I'm an Obsessive Compulsive.  What's the difference?  Probably nothing.  I think it comes down to if you have the disorder or the disorder has you.  Right now, unfortunately, the disorder has me.

Although I'm willing to admit that after living so long with my thoughts and internal debates it's hard to remove myself from the disorder.  At some point, in some way, it becomes a part of you.  I'm not sure if I could be "myself" if I didn't check to make sure my hair straightener was unplugged and back in its place 7 times.

And so I start this blog - not sure at all of my intentions to do so.  To help?  To brag?  To whine?  To hope someone reads this?

Who knows.